Pedestrians, You've Been Warned!

Okay kiddos, as of today, the following rule is in effect: Pedestrians will be treated like deer when encountered on the road!

Seriously, I'm in a giant hunk of metal that only wants to turn you into a human pancake. Why is it that people seem to think the world exists for their use. If you are moving solely under the power of your own two feet, you should not walk in front of me, stop in front of me or play in front of me. I will win! From now on, when the slow or stupid in the human herd run out in front of the car, you have to just drive through the collision and hope that their body doesn't come in the windshield. If they are still alive, but badly injured just call the DNR to put them out of their misery. It's the humane thing to do.

Even worse than idiot pedestrians are all the jackasses on their bikes around here. Hey FYI moron, if you change lanes in front of me without looking or signaling and I run you over, I'll still sleep at night. You might have more serious problems though. The people that ride their bikes around town seem to think that they own the road. I'm pretty sure that lots of taxpayer dollars go to making a very enjoyable network of bike trails all over Madison and probably the rest of the country. Use them! That's what they are intended for.

Lastly, we have the amazing drivers of Madison's Beltline and their complete lack of driving skills. If these cretins spent a little less time on cell phones, turned around talking to kids or generally not paying attention we could probably reduce a few of the daily accidents that occur. I'm always amazed that these people manage to drift between lanes and cause accidents, but never quite take themselves out of my misery. Just once could it be one of the terrible, inattentive drivers that is hurt or killed instead of some poor bastard on his way to work. Oh yeah, teenage drivers and old people shouldn't be allowed on public roads either. We should create special road preserves where they can drive under the illusion that they are free to go where they want!

One final warning to all the incompetents on the streets, if you cause an accident with my kids in the car, I will beat you to death with my flip flop. It will be a slow, painful death and if I'm feeling generous I might just leave a rock in the bottom to speed you along. Anyways, the doctor says if I limit my exposure to the roadways my blood pressure should return to normal in no time.

On a happy, fun note we are bringing in a fashion consultant from NYC who assures me that "naked is the new black". She'll be sharing wisdom here for the next week. Love you Bethany!